Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hassan's Halloween Address to the Nation

First, some ominous news:

Bush claims the terrorists "will win" if the Democrats take the House and Senate next week.

The US is training "the good guys" in Jericho to fight Hamas. [In other words, the US is arming and training Abu Mazen's death squads to further incite civil strife amongst Palestinians.]

How Hezbollah is working "extremely fast" to rebuild its military- and security forces in southern Lebanon, and why reporters can't tell a Hezbollah fighter from a bike messenger.

Israeli mock raids over southern Beirut "heaviest show of air power since the ceasefire".

Reporting on the routine Israeli violations of Lebanese airspace has started to resemble reporting from Iraq: "It was the bloodiest day in Iraq since the last bloodiest day which was, well, just yesterday." No, but this time they dived down over residential areas and scared the bejayzus out of people. The Lebanese government announced that they fired anti-aircraft confetti at the intruding planes.

I would not rush to rebuild my house in southern Lebanon. Why not wait until after the next round and then invest in your dream home? Until then, enjoy your one-year rental courtesy of Sayyid Hassan and window shop, buy paint samples, and imagine how you could lavishly furnish a cozy bunker-bomb shelter for you and your loved ones.

I fear the Israeli government is thinking, "Do it twice, do it right", and is going to try to take on Hezbollah sooner rather than later. (Would later really be better?)
And "right" means trying to eliminate ze mozzerfucking tekhorrist Khezbollakh, once and for all ("for all" is a remanant of the old socialist character of Zionism.) Hezbollah's rush to re-arm and re-build the bunker network also indicates that they are anticipating a renewal of hostilities. Maybe I'm wrong? All you optimists out there, Jamal included, put in your two cents!

A young man with self-proclaimed close ties to Hezbollah (a generic pick-up line these days-- "Hey Baby, if you're good to me, I'll get us front row seats for Nasrallah's Ashura speech."), explained to me why Israel did not target Nasrallah at the September 22nd "victory rally". He claimed that Hezbollah threatened that UNIFIL troops would be considered hostages, in the event of an attack on the gathering. You heard correctly: they threatened UNIFIL through UNIFIL to tell Israel not to bomb the rally. Would Israel care, though? Would they listen if UNIFIL begged for mercy? What would they get in exchange for 7,500 Italians and Fijians? Well why didn't they attack the rally? Too many casualties? Old news, I know.

It's Halloween today! Let your natural hairdo determine your costume. If you're anorexic and bald, dress up as Samir Gea'gea. If you're a bald midgit, trick or treat as General Aoun. If you have a moustache and the cheesy grin of a paedophile doctor, you're Fatfat for the night. And if you have a full beard, you can either go as Hassan Nasrallah or shave it off into little patchy squares, apply tons of gel, tie your hair in a ponytail, and voila! you're Saad al-Hariri. Ladies you can choose between Strida (which to my Western ears sounds like a veneral disease) or Nayla Mouwad and terrorize the neighborhood on a motorbike!

Whatever you do, if people refuse you candy because Halloween is not a universally-recognized event, but rather an American-Zionist-capitalist ploy to steal Eid el Fitr leftovers, don't play nasty tricks, like igniting car bombs and tossing grenades. I myself am dressing up as a March 14th douchebag. I've rented a convertible for the occasion, and am practicing my pre-pubescent squeal, which I will unleash on poor Syrian street cleaners: "Allah, Hariri! Candy or your life, motherfuckers!"

Looks like we'll be seeing a new round of demonstrations and counter-demonstrations in Beirut soon. I wonder how many millions March 14th sans Aoun and March 8th avec Aoun can muster. 12 million? 15 million? More people than perished in World War II?

Sayyid Hassan is on TV now to mark the occasion of Halloween, which was the night when Hussein went trick or treating in Karbala, and... Never mind. It was a well-intended joke. Good night.

P.S. To the guy who posts comments on Naharnet as "Brutal Shiite", you show those Christians what it's all about. They're already emigrating en masse to Montreal and Paris. You get today's title for best online pseudonym. I thought I was doing well with "Karma assassin".

18 comments:

just me said...

hey EDB
i like your post, great sense of humour! and Strida or lSit rida (lebanese way) is really a desease! i hope that she will just shut the F**k up and stop doing poletiks

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Streets said...

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3D mich said...

freaKy !

3D mich said...

lool nice one EDB

KILL'em ALL

\m/

Jamal said...

Do It twice, get to Bint Jbeil, and then what?

Liliane said...

funny

EDB said...

Well, Jamal, now they are familiar with Hezbollah's tunnel strategy; they know where the tunnels are and they are surveilling from the sky every inch of Lebanese territory. The Israelis certainly had very poor intelligence in July, and they wildly underestimated Hezbollah's abilities. They won't make the same mistake again, so it's up to Hezbollah to figure out new and ingenious tactics, otherwise Israel can blast the tunnels with their depleted uranium bunker busters (if they know where they are.) No?

3D mich said...

no they wouldn't :) cz simply they are aiming to fuck nesralla not all the hezb.

Anonymous said...

wow
you wright such fine cynical stuff, and plus youre a woman.
can we have a sexual relation?
i live in beirut in mar elias, i'm middle class, short, not too sophisticated and searching for a girlfriend.
thank you

vlad

Anonymous said...

Vlad, you sound like Borat.

Ana Min Beirut said...

Vlad, shouldn't you invite her to dinner at least?
Maybe over a couple of shawarma sandwiches she would not find you so repulsive !!!
I know a good pharmacy in mar elias to keep your testosterone in check !!! hope you are covered by a decent insurance company....

Anonymous said...

are you planning on banging the lady soon, mister Ana Min Beirut?
did you feel offended Oh mr the arab night on his horse?
vlad

Ana Min Beirut said...

The only banging I would like to do is on your brainless skull. I enjoy new percussion sounds.

The only thing I know about horses is that you are a horse's ASS !!!

What A fucking lame excuse of a man !!!

Anonymous said...

you seem to be angry, im gona stop now.
bye

vlad

Anonymous said...

Arab "night" on his horse. Borat couldn't have done it better. That's poetic.
I suspect EDB doesn't do Sunni Beirutis...

Ghassan said...

ISn't EDB a guy?!?

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