Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Moldovan Maniacs & UNIFIL thuggery

A selective news round up:

Of all the troubles I thought UNIFIL might be embroiled in (e.g. rape -- popular with UN soldiers in Kenya and Bosnia; killing-- popular with soldiers in general; disarming Hezbollah against their will; and attacks by Al Qaeda types or Israeli missiles), petty theft didn't make my list. Italian UNIFIL burglars are running rampant in southern Lebanon. Apparently they are stealing "boots and daggers". Perhaps they are duelling the Fijians for the love of some village beauty.

Hide your valuables if you see a guy in a blue helmet.

Meanwhile, Saniora denies reports he might meet with Olmert. It's like middle school all over again, denying you are friends with the "unpopular" kid. He reiterated that Lebanon "will be the last Arab country to sign a peace treaty with Israel."

"Bitch, never liked you anyway..."

If you haven't already, read Pastor Haggard's resignation letter, where he admits to a part of his life that's "repulsive and dark". And watch Colbert rush to Haggard's defense. The evangelical porn industry awaits us.

While we're on the topic of "sexually immoral" conduct, Ultra-orthodox rabbinical courts may place a "pulsa danura" against organizers of next week's gay pride parade in Jerusalem and any policemen who beat ultra-Orthodox protesters.

Many westerners think "fatwa" sounds scary. Pulsa danura, literally, means "lashes of fire" in Aramaic.(I'll take the folks at Haaretz by their word on that one.) And it gets better. The curse "is supposed to cause the death of the subject within a year, calls upon the angels of destruction to refrain from forgiving the subject his sins, to kill him and to call down all the curses named in the Bible."

Angels of destruction? Sometimes I wish I believed in this stuff. Then I could call on them instead of forever cursing under my breath.

Ultra-orthodox Jews should be scrutinized at airports; they boast quite a few terrorists in their ranks. And I have seen more than my fair share of gay stewards, who surely shouldn't be allowed to handle kosher meals.

Avigdor Lieberman, a boorish racist of recent Moldovan extraction, now doubles as Israeli Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of "Strategic Threats". Fresh on the job, Lieberman identified "minorities [as] the biggest problem in the world."

Olmert made a pathetic effort to distance himself from Lieberman's statements by claiming, "Lieberman's opinions do not reflect mine". He elaborated: "For example, we do not share the same taste in women and salad dressing. Avigdor likes bottle blondes, while I prefer brunettes; he likes ranch dressing, while I never stray from creamy Italian." Spare me, please.

Apparently Lieberman picked up the little snippet of wisdom from working as a nightclub bouncer. He must have kept those joints minority-free.

Second only to Netan-yahoo, Lieberman is the most popular candidate for the Israeli premiereship. Here in Lebanon we have Moldovan women, whose anatomical and artistic talent is appreciated by khaliji tourists in local cultural establishments called "super-nightclubs". It's too strange that a Moldovan nightclub bouncer might become prime minister in the Middle East some day, no? Pure racial strip joints await us all.

"Minorities. Yuck! I will crush them"

The guy next to me is playing a wargame where Iran, Syria and Hezbollah fight Israel. And have you heard what the current Israeli operation in Gaza is called? Israeli operation titles are seasonal, like squash and pumpkin pie: this one's "Autumn Clouds". Doesn't that make you feel like going outside to play in the heaps of fallen leaves, and then returning home to some hot apple cider? I find it quite perverse, endowing their killing sprees with cheesy poetic titles. "Autumn Clouds" sounds like the title of a generic landscape painting on display in a highway motel lobby. After "Summer Rains" and "Autumn Clouds", what's next? Let your imagination run rampant.

Meanwhile, the national dialogue is in its second day in downtown Beirut. Geagea and Aoun went out for lunch together. Geagea picked up the bill.

Despite their posturing, I suspect March 14th will give in to Hezbollah and Aoun's demands for veto power in the cabinet. If they don't, Hezbollah allegedly has 2000 tents ready, which they will pitch on Martyr's Square and on every major intersection in Lebanon. Their supporters will strike and stay put in the hundreds of thousands (or millions?) until their demands are met.

That's all for now from the movers and shakers of the cedar wonderland. Haaretz reports that Israel is preparing for a summer war with Hezbollah and Syria. Enjoy the US elections.

P.S. I will have regular Internet access as of later this week, so I can post regularly and sanely again.



Great posts Em... We have to sit (or stand) and discuss... Call me or pass by...

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Blog Administrator said...

Comments like the latter one will not be tolerated.

Don't waste my time.

Anonymous said...

-Very good post, as usual i couldn't stop myself smiling despite the less then funny content.

The "colbert"-link however doesn't seem to work.

-Anyways; tnx.

// Majki (sweden)

copy editor said...

Bravo, UN. That is some important real estate they'll be loathed in.