Operation Public Holiday

Apparently Prime Minister Siniora woke up at 3AM to go potty, and decided it was politically expedient to declare today a public holiday. All businesses and public institutions will remain closed to give Samir Kuntar and the other prisoners a hero's welcome. Everyone off to the beach!

Kuntar has been imprisoned in Israel for 29 years, since the early age of 17. And how the world has changed in his absence! Kuntar has never sent a drunk text message to an ex-girlfriend or stalked anyone on MySpace on Facebook; he's never taken a stroll through the new downtown or eaten at Barbar (a mega- bistro that opened its doors during the Civil War.) Someone warn him that servis now costs a whopping 2,000LL. Thankfully many of the old, familiar faces from the 1970s are still in power; he'll only have to adapt to the likes of newcomers such as Saad Hariri.

Rumor has it that Kuntar will run for parliament in the next elections. Much like in the United States, being a prisoner of war uniquely qualifies you for higher office.

A few minutes from now, captured Israeli soldiers Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev will be returned to Israeli via the Naqoura crossing. Their fate, until now, is unknown, but as I can see from my newsticker-- the convoy transporting their bodies has arrived.

We've all suspected that one of the two might be alive. Depending on what condition they arrive in, their bodies will be identified; if either of the two has decomposed, they will first be taken for DNA testing. Once their identities have been confirmed, Israel will hand over the remains of 199 Lebanese and Palestinian fighters, recently excavated from a POW cemetery. Then Kuntar and the other four prisoners will cross the border and be taken by helicopter to Beirut Airport. There a delegation from Hezbollah, the newly appointed President, Prime Minister Saniora as well as Druze leader Walid Jumblatt will welcome them home (Kuntar is Druze.) That's when the celebrations begins-- with a speech by Hassan Nasrallah. What started with the cross-border kidnapping on July 12th, 2006-- coined "Operation Truthful Promise"-- can finally be crossed off the Sayyed's to-do list. That leaves only the Shebaa farms and the liberation of Palestine.

Update 1 (9.24AM): The Israeli soldiers are now in the hands of the Red Cross. Their condition is still unknown.
Update 2 (9.34AM): Al Jazeera is showing the preparations for the prisoners' return in Lebanon. The brass band is warming up.
Update 3 (9.38AM): The Israeli prisoners are probably both dead. The Israelis gave the Red Cross photos for preliminary identification.
Update 4 (9.42AM): Two black coffins were unloaded on the Lebanese side of the border. Both Israeli soldiers are dead.
Update 5 (10.10AM): Why is Kuntar a hero? The pictures on Haaretz show the Israeli side of the border (gray sky) and the Lebanese side (blue sky.)
Update 6 (10.11AM): BREAKING NEWS: One of the two has been identified as missing Fatah al Islam leader Shakar al-Abssi.
Update 7 (10.12AM): Olmert is finished. Done.
Update 8 (10.24AM): I hope Kuntar hasn't become a kabbalahist like Madonna. In the US, inmates sometimes switch religions multiple times a year in order to get better meals on religious holidays. In response, prison administrations limited the number of times you can convert from one religion to another.